New, Again

Ruminations on New Year's Eve, 2021

I wish to reflect, so I stare out the window to the snow covered mountains; my home nestled in the valley looking up and beyond to the blue bird sky.

Somehow there's a hopeful cognizance this time of year, a naïve, youthful anticipation thinking it will be better this next rotation. These past few years have broken all of us open and exposed things felt internally and experienced externally. The whole human world is going through a profound shift and we're taking the natural world down with us.

It's stressful out there; watching the plague of misinformation take over our "society", breaking us all apart and leaving us vulnerable and disconnected. Our physical planet is on fire, the future of our cities and villages - our homes - unknown. Fighting affordability in this capitalist hellscape is sucking the life out of most of us whether we realize it or not. Being alive is a beautiful thing despite the pain and tragedy; the unending loneliness. Oh, the loneliness.

In 2015, and then again in 2018 I stopped poisoning myself with alcohol and cigarettes, if you've ever walked the sober path you know you can't do the things you used to do with the people you used to do them with. They keep going, but you don't. Your paths inevitably diverge.

Social media has made it feel like I'm outside standing alone in the cold, staring through the window while your friends and family are inside, yucking it up, having the time of their lives. New people fill my empty seat like I never existed. They're together, and I'm not.

But, I am choosing my health now and they haven't realized the harm they are causing themselves, yet.

At the same time of my sober transition, my husband and I became self employed, started a family, and then the pandemic hit. The isolation of all those life events is insurmountable most days and the depressing effects of cabin fever have become normal life, the new existence.

Rejection cuts deep, deeper than I've ever felt. It feels like the many relationships I've enjoyed and honoured over the years are gone for good. Whether from their toxicity or mine, it feels like a new part of my soul is ripped from my chest each time I lose another.

I've realized (in theory, working on practice) that the only satisfaction I can count on is birthed from within, my reaction to the environment around me is a reflection of the oceans and valleys inside myself. I can choose to make space to imagine a new way, a new me, a new position in society. One that thrives instead of just surviving and connects to new people that bring new adventure and opportunity into my life.

So this year, I will fill the lonely gaps by appreciating myself first and not letting the reminder of rejection be what stops me. I will find ways to express myself that serve the greater good of myself and my community.

This year I will dance because I've never really danced, sing because I crave the vibration, create because I am connected, and develop a reality that is full of prosperity, passion, abundance, beauty, and honour.

I hope you fight for yourself this year, too.

And fuck the haters.